Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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