guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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