I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
