Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
