so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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