So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
