I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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