my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
