Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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