if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
