if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
