just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
