I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
