Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
