I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
