I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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