Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
