Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
