Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
