Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
