What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
