He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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