I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
