Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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