Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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