just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
