i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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