I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
