how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
