Dude my mom stole all your condoms
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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