not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
