this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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