I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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