i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
tequila makes me forget i have legs
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
