peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
