My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
