i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
