When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
