I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
