I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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