I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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