chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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