im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
