the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
