please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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