Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize