My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
