I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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