You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
