the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
