I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
