My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
