College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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