i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
