if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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