just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize