i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
